John lied on his back staring up at the night sky. The stars were bright this night, and still none of them could hold his attention for long before his gaze wondered away to something else. The snow falling from the trees, the snow covered grave by his side, the restless birds trying to find shelter from the snow in the bushes nearby. Everything was a distraction, yet nothing could distract him from his own mind.
The night was surprisingly cold, yet John had not bothered to bring a jacket outside before he had laid himself down on the snowy ground beside Megara's grave. His hands behind his head was the only comfort and warmth he had.
What do I do now...?
Ever since Megara's death, he had done everything to get his mind off of the endless suffering and hollow feeling in his heart. The pain was eating itself out from the inside of his heart, and soon there would be nothing left inside him but scars and more pain.
He had done everything to distract his mind. He had his fun, he had company, he did everything. Yet, he could not distract his heart and soul from what was really important. From the pain that would never leave.
He knew he had broken a lot of hearts. He knew he should never have gotten so involved with other female prisoners. He knew. And he knew so well. He did not even want any of them, not one of them. He was just scared of being alone. Scared of the silence that followed him each night and the cold loneliness once the realization hit him that he was all alone. She was all he had ever had, yet he had left her so brutally. He guessed this was the price he had to pay for leaving the only healthy piece of his heart in a cold, dark hotel room. He wished more than anything that he could undo what he had done to her. More than anything.
He had been lying there for hours, doing nothing but stare at the starry sky and think. Think about everything. The cold snowflakes hit his cheek one by one making him shiver, though he was not cold on the outside. The coldness he felt came from within.
The lack of sleep was starting to create dark, big circles under his eyes and in general he had lost his great charm. It was replaced with the look of someone waking up with a great hangover. More than anything he looked old. And tired. He had given up on everything.
He was responcible for the death of the only girl who would ever love him. The only one except...
No. He couldn't even think about her. She hated him, she thought of him as a monster. He could never return to her. Never. Though he desperatly needed the comfort of someone, though he desperatly needed some shelter from the dark grey clouds inside his head threatening to break into a storm and drown him, he could never go back to her. After everything he had put her through, she deserved to be left alone.
All this was going through his head as the snow melted on his cheeks. One drop of water however did not come from the snow. It made it's way from the corner of his eye and down his cheek before it hit the ground. As John let the first tear escape he was scared there would never be a last tear. He was scared it would never stop.
He was scared...
